In order to be whole again

"I always desired his mistresses. 
I took on an unhealthy obsession with each one so predictibly that I half dreaded his affairs in anticipation of my future fixation and half waited with giddy excitement.
 I studied these women, trying to see them through his eyes and through the eyes of the world. I gathered as much information as I could trying to figure out what they had that I lacked and what drew him to them.
 I wanted to determine if he secretly thought they were better looking than me through their pictures. 
I stacked them all up in my mind, the different angles, settings, and poses and tried to turn them into real people that could be standing in front me. 
I needed to reduce them to  simple living people in order to go about my daily life unafflicted. 
It's so strange; instead of getting angry, throwing dishes and threatening to leave him I studied his choices with fascination and crippling jealousy and in turn developed a passion for the women that exceeded his. 
I'm not so indifferent that I'm not hurt, each time I hear of another affair the knife crafted from betrayal and lack of attention is pushed deeper into my self worth. 
I stare at him in disgust from across the table as we eat dinner. I seathe in anger when he looks into my eyes or tries to joke around with me.
 However, the feelings always pass and I am left alone to sift through all of the information I collect.
 It is only superficiality that fuels this obsession,  but I can't help staring in the mirror longer on these mornings. Every mistress makes me less beautiful. They become parts of my soul that needs to be reclaimed in order to be whole again. "

If you took to me like a gull takes to the wind

Isabel Marant Spring 11

BoStOn

I had orientation yesterday at Northeastern and it was the most boring and awkward day EVER! I don't know what I was expecting but I thought orientation would be more exciting. Instead all we did was sit through about 5 hours of presentations about everything from student activities to Federal loans. They put us into groups at the beginning and tried to have us to ice breaker games. This ice breaker games just made things even more awkward because in the end you were just paired up with someone and had to find 3 things in common with them. It doesn't sound that bad but I don't like forced conversation.
Butttt I'm officially a NORTHEASTERN HUSKY nowww haha (even though I have a little less than 2 months still until I actually go there)

Now I have to go pick up my pay check at work and pray on the way there that it's more than my last pay check.

The most adorable

Aren't these the cutest things ever? There's a bunch more too at mihi.se
I'm not even sure if you can order outside of Sweden or if it would cost a fortune but I want a pair to take to college. They would make me so happy just looking at them!

I have lots to do tomorrow so I should probably go to sleep. I have German class in the morning, then I'm meeting my grandma for lunch at Panera yumm, then me and my mom are leaving to stay overnight in Boston for my orientation at Northeastern on Friday. I'm nervous :/// but I guess I shouldn't  be because I'll just be picking out classes and meeting with advisors. There's so many things that still need to be figured out before I go there in January it's a little overwhelming.

AND in exactly ten days I will be in Disney World with Geno and his fam. I'm so excited...Disney is like leaving the real world and entering fantasy world where nothing exists outside of the park gates.

I'll promise to fight the wind and wait for you

Sweets and Russian ballerinas

She had the tiniest wrists.
They reminded me of innocence and I wanted to wrap my fingers around them to feel them touch at the other side.
 I looked up and saw her watching me stare at her wrists and I quickly looked away because the look in her eyes was not welcoming. I wanted to tell her she had nice wrists to explain myself.
Is it weird to tell someone they have nice wrists?
 I think her name is Marzipan and it reminds me of sweets and Russian ballerinas twirling in a whirlwind of grace of poise.
 I became increasingly enthralled by her and chocolate ballerinas danced and danced like wind up toys through my brain.

 For the first time in my life I had observed something perfect and that is a memorable moment in anyone's life.
How can something as susceptible to abnormalities as humans ever come clost to perfect?
 I thought of the right thing to say to her, she was sitting so close to me.
 I was so fixated on her appearance and the slight flicks of her wrist that I coudln't imagine her having a personality, her face and body being animated with emotion because she remained so focused on whatever she was writing.
 It's impossible to determine temperment through a face and I don't know what my ideal personality would be to be able to fantasize about it in my head.
So I imagine she has a sadness to match the perfect proportions of her face.
 And as I fall asleep that night as I imagned her a wind up toy twirling and twirling over my nightstand just to lull me to sleep.

Around the world Novemeber

                                                                    Vogue Turkey

                                                                  Harper's Bazaar Spain

                                                                       Vogue UK

Vogue Italia 

Marie Claire Turkey 

Vogue Russia 

Vogue Paris 

Fashioncopious