In order to be whole again

"I always desired his mistresses. 
I took on an unhealthy obsession with each one so predictibly that I half dreaded his affairs in anticipation of my future fixation and half waited with giddy excitement.
 I studied these women, trying to see them through his eyes and through the eyes of the world. I gathered as much information as I could trying to figure out what they had that I lacked and what drew him to them.
 I wanted to determine if he secretly thought they were better looking than me through their pictures. 
I stacked them all up in my mind, the different angles, settings, and poses and tried to turn them into real people that could be standing in front me. 
I needed to reduce them to  simple living people in order to go about my daily life unafflicted. 
It's so strange; instead of getting angry, throwing dishes and threatening to leave him I studied his choices with fascination and crippling jealousy and in turn developed a passion for the women that exceeded his. 
I'm not so indifferent that I'm not hurt, each time I hear of another affair the knife crafted from betrayal and lack of attention is pushed deeper into my self worth. 
I stare at him in disgust from across the table as we eat dinner. I seathe in anger when he looks into my eyes or tries to joke around with me.
 However, the feelings always pass and I am left alone to sift through all of the information I collect.
 It is only superficiality that fuels this obsession,  but I can't help staring in the mirror longer on these mornings. Every mistress makes me less beautiful. They become parts of my soul that needs to be reclaimed in order to be whole again. "